Caitlin's Corner

Financial Conversations for Even the Healthiest of Relationships

I recently read the book Strangers: A Memoir of Marriage by Belle Burden. In case you haven't heard the buzz, the book chronicles the abrupt collapse of the author’s 20-year marriage. I have so many thoughts on this book, few of which I'll dive into here. What I do want to focus on is why this book matters as a financial memoir for women.

Early in the book, Burden details how she and her family are bonding in their second home on Martha's Vineyard where they chose to quarantine during the COVID-19 pandemic. One moment, her husband was building camp fires and making her whiskey sours, and the next, she was getting a phone call that tipped her off to her husband's affair. The next day, he leaves the family home, never to return, and rejects custody of their three children.

Burden's memoir has become a phenomenon, with mostly positive acclaim. I think it's worth noting that the author, a descendant of old money and high NY society, has privilege that most of us cannot comprehend. I have no doubt that any mother who lost most of her wealth in a divorce would cringe at the "financial stress" that Burden tries to convey in her memoir. I wish the stories of divorce told by women with far less privilege would receive the level of attention that Burden's story is getting. Nonetheless, there's an underlying message here that transcends wealth, race, and class: women need to protect themselves financially in any relationship.

In Burden's memoir, we learn about the family history of her, and her ex-husband, and we learn that Burden comes into the marriage with far more wealth than her partner. The memoir mentions the prenup she was required to have her fiancé sign prior to their marriage (in order for her to maintain access to her family's trust). The prenup stated that any assets coming into the marriage would remain under the ownership of the sole partner who brings the asset to the marriage, and anything earned during the marriage is split equally. There's nothing sneaky or complex here; the terms laid out in the book struck me as very standard terms of many a prenup. However, Burden's fiancé convinced her, against her lawyer's advice, to update it: nothing earned during marriage would need to be split.

I have said before that there's no right or wrong way to write a prenup or postnup ("nup" = nuptial agreement, "pre" is executed before marriage, "post" is executed during marriage"). The idea is that these legal documents should accurately represent how a couple feels that income, assets, and debt should be fairly divided between the couple in the case of divorce. But the prenup passage in the book had red flags waving all around.

Like watching the cliché scene from a predictable horror film where your favorite character assures "I'll be right back" before entering a dark alley, I yelled "DON'T!" when Burden described calling her lawyer to update the prenup. Why was this such a red flag to me? In the previous chapter, she had detailed the young couple's dreams of having a family, and how she had vocalized her desire to be home to raise their children, even if it meant putting her law career on hold. If she is already planning on giving up her income in order to become the primary caregiver, and becoming the supporter of her husband's career and acceleration of income, why are they both OK with depriving her of any future income the family produces? Burden even acknowledges how it didn't feel right, but she insisted on this move as a way of being loyal to her new husband, her new family. It was her way of showing that she valued love and loyalty to her partner over her own financial protection.

Having financial protections in place are important for any person entering into a relationship. The reason I'm writing about women specifically, and the reason Susan and I feel strongly about having a woman's perspective when we provide financial planning, is that women are more likely to suffer financially after entering a relationship. Women are often expected to play the role of loving, loyal partner and caregiver, while men are expected to play the role of financial provider and gatekeeper- even when women come into the marriage with more financial assets! This sets the stage for women being villainized for advocating for themselves financially. If they're busy advocating in this way, they must not really be in love, and must not really care about the marriage (sarcasm!).

The memoir was beautifully-written, and kept me on the edge of my seat. It had me fired up and I made a note to come here to write about the importance of financial protections for women entering into legally binding relationships. A big protection is to have a pre- or postnup. While there is no "one size fits all" rule about how to write agreements like these, there are five steps that I think every woman should take before and during her marriage:

1. Agreed-Upon Financial Roles and Organization

Even before getting attorneys involved, it's important to have a conversation with a serious partner about how you'll handle finances and financial roles. Since financial disagreements is one of the top reasons for divorce in America, having these conversations prior to marriage could save you millions of dollars, and immeasurable emotional pain. And if you're already married but struggling with certain financial topics with your spouse, it's not too late to have these conversations and make changes in the way you manage and discuss money. Here are some key conversation topics to cover:

• Where will we keep our money? Deciding upon a joint bank account, or separate accounts, or a combination is important. Have an open discussion about why each person feels strongly about one approach over the other and be open to compromise. As you envision how you'll pay for shared expenses in a marriage, think about the system that might best support that.
• What are our money stories and archetypes? Sharing your money story with your partner is vulnerable, but it's also an opportunity for your spouse to understand you more, and have more compassion when it comes to money conversations. We have a money story workbook with prompts to help people dissect their money stories. These stories often form our financial archetypes, which shed light on why we behave the way we do with money.
• What are our financial goals? Two people in a partnership with drastically different or contradicting financial goals creates a challenge- not always an insurmountable challenge, but still a huge force that should be reconciled. Vocalizing your goals and ensuring your partner does the same is the first step in resolving where those goals might contradict each other (and the massive relationship conflicts that can ensue as a result).
• Who will do what? Almost no one openly decides this before, or even during a marriage, and yet it's one of the most important discussions you can have. Belle Burden became the living lesson in why women need to take an active role in their finances, but it doesn't mean that women need to manage everything. Having a breakdown of who does what is a great way to manage expectations, and to create a financial system that doesn't feel daunting- but it shouldn't allow either party to hide money or make major decisions autonomously. Having distinct roles should also be connected to a plan on how each party will communicate to the other about what they're doing in each role.

Side note: having a financial team or advocate does count as having ownership over finances, as long as your team represents you in a way that is transparent and informative. Susan and I work with women and their families and strive to make sure that each person in our client relationship feels heard, is informed, and weighs in on all major decisions.

• How will we make spending decisions? I remember the first time I felt nervous to approach Ryan about a major spend I wanted to make. It was a course I wanted to take for a business we were starting, and it was pricey. I remember how my hands shook and my feet tapped incessantly while my words hung in the air at the end of my pitch "what do you think?". He was fully supportive, and my relief was palpable. And looking back at that expense now, I can't help but think how cute it was that I got so worked up about it. But at the time, it was a big deal and my asking Ryan built his trust in me, while his response built my trust in his support. It's important to make big spending decisions together, and equally important to define the criteria of a "big spending decision".

2. Asset & Property Protection

• Premarital Property: If either person coming into a marriage has assets that they acquired independently, or through a gift or inheritance, it makes sense to discuss whether these assets will be brought into a relationship. Individuals have the option to keep assets owned prior to marriage (e.g., retirement funds, investments, real estate) separate, which prevents those assets from becoming marital property. In the case of Belle Burden in Strangers, her premarital property was to remain hers according to her prenup, but she eventually used those assets to buy both family homes, titling each home to both her and her husband, thereby making those assets marital property (belonging to both her and her husband).
• Gifts and Inheritances: Individuals in or entering into a marriage can specify that family heirlooms or inheritances received during the marriage remain individual property.
• Business Interests: Individuals in or entering into a marriage can separate equity, ownership, or appreciation of a business built prior to or during the marriage, keeping it from becoming marital property.

3. Debt & Spousal Support

• Debt Liability: Agreements can distinguish pre-marital and marital debts, ensuring you are not held liable for your partner's student loans or business debt.
• Alimony / Spousal Support: Pre- or postnups can set clear expectations for support (or waiver) in the event of a divorce, which is especially important if there is a large income disparity or potential career change.

4. Family Provisions

• Career Sacrifices: Agreements should address compensation or support if one partner takes time away from the workforce to raise children or support the other's career advancement. Keep in mind that this can happen without children.

Another side note: My brother joined the army after he and his wife had well-established careers. His wife, the higher earner, eventually left her career so they could be together while they were relocated around the country and eventually the globe. This was a career sacrifice without children- one that wouldn't have been foreseen prior to marriage, but still makes sense to be accounted for in a pre- or postnup!

• Prior Children: Pre- and postnups can outline how assets, trusts, or life insurance benefits will be allocated for children from a previous relationship, protecting their future inheritance.

5. Legal Validity

To ensure an agreement remains valid and enforceable, couples should always honor two key steps:

• Complete Transparency: Requires both parties to provide accurate information about their income, liabilities, and assets.
• Separate Legal Representation: Always consult a specialized family law attorney, and it's a good idea for each individual in a marriage to have their own representation.

Prenups have come into style recently, whereas they used to be a domain reserved for the ultra rich. I'm glad this step is becoming normalized, especially in discussions around women and money. Postnups are gaining traction as a result, and I'm equally pleased to see these types of agreements becoming normalized. Having these discussions with a current or future spouse can feel shaky; it's awkward territory to talk about the "what if worst case" scenario, but it can also be an opportunity to voice what's important to each partner in a relationship.

I feel compelled to highlight the gender inequities that exist in the American marriage institution precisely because I have a leg up on them. As a White, asset-holding, US citizen in an equitable marriage, I have the mental bandwidth to consider these topics in a way that many women who are burdened by a disproportionate share of childcare, eldercare, and household management simply don't. I've often struggled to write about these forces because, while I see their impact on women every day, I don't personally feel them the same way others do. In that sense, I relate somewhat to Burden's privilege. Her story highlights the vulnerability of women in American marriage, even though she may never have been that financially vulnerable. Neither Burden nor I is likely to experience the worst of the wrath of this system, and yet here we both are, compelled to tell these stories as a warning to women who are.

P.S. Did you read it? Reply back if you did- I'd love to hear your thoughts and discuss more about the book!

What I'm Reading

📕 I do recommend Burden's memoir, and for more reasons than some of the financial lessons I outlined above. A big takeaway I have, that none of the buzz has mentioned, is how to react when someone you know is experiencing disorienting, heart-wrenching pain. One line in the final paragraph in Burden's book was "I hope [my children] will move toward people who are in pain, rather than away." Burden experienced how friends and neighbors would turn away from her- not knowing what to say, or being afraid to 'take sides'. She also experienced people moving toward her, trying to relate or offer comfort. It was such a strong reminder that we don't need to have the perfect response for those suffering in our community; we just need to turn towards them, and show them we care, show them we're here. Don't move away from those in pain.

👩‍💻 If you'd like to hear other voices on the topic of divorces, leaving, and starting over, here's a short list I found that piqued my interest in further memoir reading.

📘 "If he leaves you on a mountain, divorce him" is a quote that immediately drew me in. This story about "alpine divorce' is one I'm glad to see someone write about, since I've seen this behavior played out so many times in real life.

😡 In other financial news, SpaceX is coming to your 401(k)- whether you like it or not.

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